GO AT YOUR OWN RISK

I had a root canal the other day. Whenever I'm driving myself to the dentist I feel like I'm in the car with two people. Behind the wheel is the "adult me" telling myself:

JESSICA'S ADULT SELF:  At least when you're done, you won't feel anymore pain. He's a really good doctor and it's not like you have a choice. 

then there's ten year old me in the backseat  going:

JESSICA'S TEN YEAR OLD SELF:  (tears streaming down my face)  Noooo!!!!!  The shot, he's going to give me a shot!!!

Now, I don't know if you've ever had a root canal before, but step one requires them to put a metal "ring" around the injured tooth and then attach to it a GIANT, square sized piece of rubber called a "dental dam". Outside of padding around in a hospital gown with a catheter sticking out of you, I'm pretty sure there is nothing less sexy then sporting one of those things so you can imagine my humiliation when in the middle of the procedure I realized I needed to pee very badly and was told no problem, 

NURSE:  Just walk OUTSIDE of the office, go down the hallway, and the ladies room will be on your left.

As the doctor went to check on his other patient, I dutifully stood up, walked out into the waiting area, dental dam still attached, only to find a rather attractive male patient sitting there filling out his paperwork. I immediately started to drool, not because he was so handsome but because it was all but impossible to swallow and well, it had to go somewhere and well, you know how that gravity thing works.  I then quickly covered my face with my  hands and ran out the door right into an elderly man who happened to be exiting an elevator full of people.  On instinct, in an attempt to stop him from falling, for a quick second, I moved my hands away from my face and told him...

JESSICA: I tho thorry.

which is when I saw the elevator doors closing and these other people staring deep into my mouth, their faces all registering looks of sheer horror.  I felt like I'd suddenly been cast in the role of the Elephant Man and wanted to pull the doors back open with my arms and yell to them:

"I am NOT an animal!!!!" but by then the elevator was already descending and even I knew that yelling "I'm NOT an animal!!!!" into an elevator car with a ring around my back tooth and a piece of rubber blocking the entire lower half of my face would likely have been a huge blow my credibility.

After I finished in the ladies room, I went back inside the office. The other patient was no longer in the waiting room, thank God. I sat back down on the chair and the next thing I knew I was AWAKENED by the sound of a drill. Yes, I am so tired from getting up early everyday that I actually fell asleep during a ROOT CANAL.  It wasn't hard.  The dam held my mouth open, my periodontist wasn't saying much and "Mandy" was playing on the office radio.

Finally, after an hour, I was done. As I was standing at the front desk waiting for my nurse to bring me some Advil I heard this other patient tell the nurse:

PATIENT:  I waa tha go who ha hafhoom.

and to which I thought:

JESSICA'S THOUGHT:   No, you really don't.

Comments

[Akilah Sakai]

Hilarious! Loved the desire to scream "I'm not an animal!" part. I can actually picture that moment. Ha!

[Jennifer Mims]

Oh My God, Jessica. My doctor's office has the ladies room key up at the front desk; you have to walk outside of the office and to the left to get there and the elevators face you when you open the door! Too weird. Did you like my Targetisms? Keep up the funnies!
Love you, Jen

[Jeri]

I can just see it all & I've been there - but I don't remember laughing as much!

[Stone]

Hahahahaha...been there, done that!
I know this 10-year-old self all too well!

[Cathy]

I need to get a root canal soon--I'm putting it off as long as I can--I'll have to remember to go to the bathroom beforehand!

[mommab]

I thought that was your primordial self? Your primal being yearning to get the hell out of that dental chair and beat down whoever might stand in your path to freedom!

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

I was seriously laughing so hard this morning at this tears were in my eyes.

I was so afraid that the Dragon Lady who works here and thinks she is my boss would find out I'm on the Internet, but then I thought: "Darn it! I don't care! This is funny stuff and I need funny today!"

Thanks for the pick me up!

[hokgardner]

I'm dentist phobic, so I'm very familiar with the conversation in the car.

But at least my dentist has never used a dental damm in any of my root canals. Phew.