Working Out CAN Be Bad For You

WORK OUT PLANNED

Swim
Lift weights
Go home

WORK OUT NOT PLANNED

Enter Locker Room
Tell stranger I like her sweat jacket
End up with strangers business card and an offer to be part of a shopping ponzi scheme
Change into swim suit
Close locker
Climb 37 stairs to get to pool
Put on Goggles
Goggles Break
Climb down 37 stairs to locker room
Open Locker
Put on sweatpants over bathing suit, grab wallet
Close locker
Go into sport shop inside gym
Buy overpriced goggles
Go back inside locker room
Put sweatpants and wallet back into locker
Close locker
Locker door won't close all the way
Try again
Still nothing
Try again
Nope
Move all my s**t to another locker
Close new locker
Climb 37 steps to get to the pool
Begin to put on bathing cap
Bathing cap rips
Walk down 37 steps to locker room
Open locker
Put on sweats over bathing suit, grab wallet
Close locker
Go to sports store (still located inside gym)
Buy overpriced bathing cap
Go back into locker room
Put sweats and wallet back into locker
Lock locker
Climb 37 steps to pool
Get to edge of pool
Notice attractive man in lane next to me sitting on edge of pool
Smile
Get no smile in return
Look down, realize haven't shaved in a LONG time
Contemplate drowning myself
Realize nothing would make my ex MIL happier
Swim laps
Change out of swim suit
Put on workout clothes
Fail to notice sexy indentations around eyes from new goggles
Go to weight room
Get on weight machine
Look down, notice  skin on shins literally flaking off
Recall how drying chlorine can be
Slyly put a little saliva on hand and then rub it on leg to get shine back
Doesn’t work
Now pretend not to care
Go to another weight machine
Catch eye with man I think old enough to be my father then realize I ‘m old enough to be his girlfriend.
Watch as man notices my legs
Tell man my name is Jessica but he can call me crocodile
Man laughs  A LITTLE
I laugh, too hard
Return to Locker room
Make note to self to shave and put on lotion everyday for the rest of my life
Shower
Go home
Write this blog post.
Nap.

Comments

[Jennifer H]

I suspected this was the state of things at the gym. How wise I've been to stay away.

P.S. My ass calls BS on my "wise" remark.

[michelle]

Jessica my love, I am sitting here in Starbucks laughing just a big too loud and people are starting to take notice. *Must stop giggling like a school girl at your posts*

You had some hardcore workout Jessica. I can relate. I haven't shaved my legs in a while and the other day went for my RUN/WALK and noticed lots of 80 year old russian men nodding in approval. They like their woman hairy in Russia!! Perhaps, we should move there????

[empress bee (of the high sea)]

really i bet that guy couldn't even see the hair because they are too vain to wear their glasses aren't they? i'm trying to braid mine.

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Suzy]

i ALWAYS promise to lotion the bod, then never do.

[Melissa]

Next time, make sure you ask the man staring at your crotch if he's ever been to Bush Gardens. ;o)

[Maelstrom]

I'm really curious about these legs now. Can we get a picture before you fix them up?

[Annje]

I totally think you lost more calories with your unplanned work-out. I love how dry legs make me look even ghostlier white than I already am. But lotion is sooooo much effort.

[charmaine]

We are living in a parallel universe.

When I moistured, tanned, recently dyed and toned...nothing.

Scaly skin, fried hair, shirt with a stain on it I never noticed BAM men are everywhere.

[Deb]

Stair climbing burns lots of calories...I guess I'm not being helpful here.

[dizzblnd]

I am glad this type of stuff happens to someone else. I was beginning to think I was the only unshaven peeling like a snake woman daring to go in public.

[vodkamom]

mortification burns 5 million calories. YOu didn't even NEED the workout.

just show up - unshaved- walk around the room- and go home.

done.

[Cara]

Thank goodness I only go to the gym mid-morning, there are only old women there at that time. Comparatively speaking, I am a goddess. Of course, they out lift me every time on the weight machines, those cagey old broads.

[Lynn @ human, being]

I hear frustration helps you burn double the calories at the gym. Which means you can have an Oreo to make it all better.

[Keli]

Sounds like you got your workout...only not exactly as planned.
You gotta stay alive, if for no other reason than to torment your ex MIL

[kimmi]

(((Jess))) I'm laughing hard with you, luv.
Lather, rinse, repeat it again in a few days with 'spring legs' and a few extra caps!

[anymommy]

This is why I walk for exercise. I never, ever have to remove my jeans outside of the privacy of my own home. Safer. For everyone.

[Yaya]

That is hilarious! Sounds like a typical sequence of events I would have!

[Carolyn Online]

You licked your own leg. That's the best.

[Kristine]

I'm so glad I'm not the only person who uses salive in place of lotion when lotion is unavailable. Also glad I'm not the only person it doesn't work on.

[pickles & dimes]

HAHAHAHHAHA. Oh man, I would've bailed after the googles breaking.

And I do the saliva thing too. Ahem.

[prefers her fantasy life]

Saliva? I never thought of that. Thanks.

[Kristina]

I think I got a workout, just from reading this post! You are too funny!

[Akilah Sakai]

Like anymommy, I'm in capris and a ginormous t-shirt at the park for my workouts. The only embarrassment was an old lady jogging while I nearly died trying to match her.

[Pseudo]

My husband bought the hip hop abs CD's and I love them. Me, myself, and I work it out in the privacy of my living room.

But you are single, so go wax yourself away and go back...

[Mom24@4evermom]

Well, at least you, I mean we, can laugh about it. :-) Very funny. Maybe that's why I don't swim? No, it's the cold water. I can't stand that.