It was 2005. My neighbor's wife had died several months earlier. In his backyard, he was holding a memorial service. I knew this only because when you walk out my back door you can see everything that is going on in his yard and he can see everything that is going on in mine..
Imagine then, here it is, four o'clock on a clear Spring day when suddenly, Phoebe, who was 2.5 at the time goes running out into the yard, quickly followed by me, fresh out of a shower and now wearing nothing but underwear and a bra, oh and towel on my head.
So please, continue to imagine me in the towel, bra and underwear, yelling from the doorway:
ME: PHOEBE!!! PHOBE!! COME BACK TO MOMMY!
only to then look up and notice that there are approximately FIFTY people dressed in black and one in white, who it turns out was the priest, now looking at me, their eyes wide, mouths agape, quiet as church mice, (no pun intended) just staring at this crazy, half naked, loud, NY Jew, yelling for her kid to come back inside the house.
Now, imagine, that this 2.5 year old kid has no intention of going anywhere I want her to go and therefore makes it so that I must walk out of my home to go and get her as there was no way I was going to run back inside, put on my clothes and THEN go fetch her as at that age, any parent knows, it takes two seconds for her to put something in her mouth and kiss this world goodbye.
So there I am, crouched down/crawling along the very painful concrete, over to Phoebe, yelling out to everyone:
ME: Sorry! Really Sorry!
only to then pick her up and proceed to use her as my "cover" while I back step it all the way back inside my home.
WAIT, WE'RE NOT DONE.
come with me and watch as Phoebe runs back out of the house as soon as I put her down, making it so that I must go and fetch her once again. However, this time, you will note that I am smarter and more aware than the last time and so proceed to grab a bucket that I had failed to see a minute earlier and use THAT as my cover to run out and get her again all the while calling:
ME: Phoebe…
only now using my infamous "whisperyell" which is really a yell but with more of a raspy voice.
Continue to watch as I pull the same Phoebe/shield move only now I’ve got a bucket hanging from my arm and see as the mourners now pretend not to notice me with the exception of pretty much every man on the lot, who are still staring and only stop after I'm back inside, have locked the door and moved out of eye range.
WAIT, ONE MORE THING.
Sit back as minutes later, now dressed, the dead woman’s husband, knocks on my door and asks if I could hold down the noise and keep my kid inside until the ceremony is over. Laugh as I promise to do just that and then, as soon as she’s safely back in her father’s arms, off myself.
Okay, now we’re done
Now that's a story. I'm glad I can't match it.
You are Dr. John's link of the day. He picks great links.
Posted by: Sue | June 17, 2009 at 03:14 PM
HA! So when are you going to make THAT into a webisode? :-)
Posted by: Jennifer H | June 17, 2009 at 03:38 PM
The good news is that said neighbor and partiers didn't have a camera and snap photos, then paste them on the internet.
Because in today's world, that's probably what woulda happened.
Just sayin...
Posted by: Kate | June 17, 2009 at 04:10 PM
It would have been appropriate if you were wearing a black bra and panties............
Posted by: Zelzee | June 17, 2009 at 04:16 PM
Oh, too funny! I like how your neighbor told you to keep the noise down as if you were going to come out and do that all over again.
I found you through Underdogs by the way. :)
Posted by: heidi | June 17, 2009 at 04:22 PM
Oh, wow! I am always happy to come here because you have way more embarrassing stories than I do.
Posted by: Kristina | June 17, 2009 at 04:33 PM
I feel for the guy holding the memorial but in somes ways, I wish you had been in your birthday suit!!
Hallie :)
Posted by: Hallie | June 17, 2009 at 04:36 PM
Um. Er. Damn, Jessica.
I call for a reenactment!!
(I'll be waiting and tapping my foot impatiently at your youtube channel ...)
Posted by: Akilah Sakai | June 17, 2009 at 04:39 PM
That's an amazing story... Truly amazing.
Posted by: Marla | June 17, 2009 at 04:41 PM
Laughing here. But really, didn't he think you knew to do that to start with. Obviously you weren't trying to show the world yourself in underwear. Were you? Hmmm.
Coco
Posted by: Coco | June 17, 2009 at 05:11 PM
Looking forward to a webisode on this.
I read the beginning part wrong and thought Phoebe was the one running with a bra and panties on... I was like.. What. The. Fuck? They make bras for 2 year olds? What was Jessica wearing? Nothing?
Posted by: p.huong | June 17, 2009 at 05:15 PM
Holy crap. At least you guys lightened the mood. Funerals are way too serious, it's not like someone died. Oh wait...
Posted by: Casey | June 17, 2009 at 05:19 PM
That is brilliant. They sure had something to talk about at lunch after the ceremony :)
Posted by: Leslie | June 17, 2009 at 05:35 PM
You could have taken the towel off your head and used that!
What a memorable memorial service indeed.
Posted by: Employee No. 3699 | June 17, 2009 at 05:37 PM
That is the most hysterical post I've read yet. SO, so very funny! I can only say that because it wasn't me nearly naked. Your neighbors will never forget you or your bra size.
-FringeGirl
Posted by: the domestic fringe | June 17, 2009 at 05:37 PM
Should I apologize for laughing at something so mortifying? Or applaud your story-telling and chutzpah for never taking that towel off your head and wrapping around yourself? Either way, makes for an excellent impression on the neighbors, no doubt! ;)
Posted by: MommyTime | June 17, 2009 at 05:52 PM
That was hilarious!
I wonder why you weren't invited to the funeral. The guy should take a hint next time... if you're invited, there is less of a chance of mishaps through yard interactions... hehehe
Posted by: Inna | June 17, 2009 at 05:57 PM
That's awesome, and I love that the neighbor came over to ask you to hold it down. Like you ran out in the yard after your child twice on purpose.
Posted by: hokgardner | June 17, 2009 at 06:44 PM
So, um, did he move?
Posted by: Andrea's Sweet Life | June 17, 2009 at 06:52 PM
Hey, tell the neighbor guy to lighten up. If you can't have levitation at a funeral-ish service, you can at least have a little levity.
Posted by: The Lawyer Mom | June 17, 2009 at 07:13 PM
That is scary. They buried her in the backyard? ;)
But really, who holds a memorial service in their backyard? I'd be pissed off and haunt his cheap ass if I were her.
Posted by: Elise | June 17, 2009 at 07:14 PM
That is rough. Funny though... you know, after the fact.
Posted by: the mama bird diaries | June 17, 2009 at 07:17 PM
You have quite literally got the best stories!! I'm going to have to up the stupid ante over in my neck of the woods. Either that or concede the title to you... I think you win :)
Love it.
Posted by: KathyB! | June 17, 2009 at 07:43 PM
i would say i'm laughing with you and not at you, but i'm pretty sure you'll know i'm mostly lying. ;-)
Posted by: Alice | June 17, 2009 at 08:09 PM
That was pretty ballsy of him to come over to your house then. Couldn't he have come by the day before to let you know what was going to be happening in his backyard and to advise about the crowded streets? That's what they do at least in my 'hood....
Posted by: Michele Renee | June 17, 2009 at 08:14 PM