How Does THIS Sound?

My mother called me the other day. Here was our conversation:

MY MOTHER:  Do me a favor and please change the outgoing message on your cell phone.

JESSICA:  Why?

MY MOTHER:  You sound like you're about to kill yourself. 

JESSICA: I think I actually recorded that the same day I told my housekeeper I couldn't afford to use her anymore.

MY MOTHER:  Well, you need to change it. No man wants to date a woman who sounds like she's going to jump off a ledge.

JESSICA:  How about who only feels sexy when she's wearing sweatpants?

MY MOTHER: I've been meaning to tell you for a while. Every time I hear that message, I get depressed. I'm telling you. You can even ask your father. (yelling to another room)  Dad! What is it I say every time after I leave Jessica a message?

MY FATHER PICKS UP THE OTHER LINE:

MY FATHER:  She says she's depressed and then she wants me to go shopping with her. 

MY MOTHER:  See, I told you.

MY FATHER: Do me a favor? Change the message. I can't afford this anymore.

MY FATHER HANGS UP.

MY MOTHER:  Trust me on this. Men like happy women.

JESSICA:  I live in L.A. no one cares if you're happy.  If you have large breasts or an even larger bank account, you're golden.

After my mother and I hung up, it took me literally 8 tries because every "take" didn't sound so much like I was happy as I was deliriously insane.  I'm still not thrilled with what I've got on there but my mother has since informed me that:

MY MOTHER: At least now, you sound upbeat, like things are going well, which they are. Before it sounded like there was a chance the poor guy would come home one night and God forbid, find you dead with a bag over your head. 

As a side note: This was three weeks ago and since then I've had one date where at the end he hugged me.  Just sayin....

* Please note I'M DOING A GIVEAWAY!

I want to thank you all for your incredible support these last few days. It was overwhelming. I feel very blessed to be a mom and to be a part of this incredible community of other mothers from all over the country and the world.  

On that note: The publisher of  "How to Traumatize Your Children" read the posts and the comments and has sent me TEN COPIES of the book to give away to you, my readers. If you're interested, leave me a comment telling me the most shocking thing someone has said TO you, ABOUT you and the ones that are closest to the spirit of the book will get a copy. Closing date: April 2nd @ midnight PST.

Comments

[dizzblnd]

Mothers are funny that way aren't they? The have the funniest way of showing you that they care.

I can't think of anything that will fit the bill of what you are looking for regarding to the comments of others to me or about me. It will be fun to watch what others come up with though.

How very cool the publishers sent you copes of the book to give away.

[Momma Trish]

How about this little gem, on the subject of returning to the workforce and putting our children in the daycare system:

"I don't understand you working mothers. Why did you even have children if you didn't want to be bothered with raising them?"

[stoneskin]

As I read the post I was expecting there to be a link so we could listen to the final recording.

I was sorely disappointed.

[Michelle]

My Dad told me I have an unnatural ammount of energy and implied that I am to cheerful. I think he can suck it!

[Mary @ Holy Mackerel]

Oooo, this is fun.

The worst thing anyone has ever said to me? It could very well be the stranger who came up to me in an early childhood education class and, after eavesdropping on a conversaton I was having with the instructor, told me I obviously was causing all my son's health problems (cancer, kidney issues, high blood pressure) because I didn't pray.

Does that count?

[blognut]

We bought a 3rd car so we would have a car to make available to our teenagers (for things like sports practices and work).

My mother, who should have been subjected to a court-ordered nuetering procedure, voiced the following opinion:

"What? You BOUGHT her a car? Why don't you just buy her marijuana and fix her up with a biker while you're at it?

[kristin]

I tend to block out those shocking comments as otherwise they would injure my psyche and undermine my confidence as a parent.

Seriously though, I can never convincingly hold a grudge since I always forget the original grievance.

[Gone Crazy]

Okay, how's this? When I was five years old, my mother told me I would never have friends if I continued to be myself. How's that for permanent psychological scarring? I think she wrote this book.

[Alison Veres]

I want you to leave your number so I can call you and leave a message on your happy new machine.
The most shocking thing anyone ever told me was : "Your daughter is in the street." She was three at the time. We were playing in the backyard, and I was brushing my hair, and as I was concentrating on making a braid she made a dash for the road. A car came and stopped and came to the fence and said "your daughter's in the road. I hadn't even noticed! 15 seconds. 20 maybe. It doesn't take long. Kids are fast. I was, of course, horrified, and ashamed and felt very bad indeed. But I have to say, I'm glad they spoke up. It would have been awful if they said nothing in order to spare my feelings. I brush my hair before I go outside now. And my daughter is twenty and attending Boston University. I owe that person in the white jeep a big thank you.

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

Mothers are great like that aren't they? Sorry you had to change your message.

Guess I have to go back and read your posts as I see I have missed A LOT.

[Pseudo]

I'm with stoneskin. I want to hear the two recordings in order to leave a fully enlightened comment.

[Cate]

From one of those "holier than thou" mothers...I believe you met them at the playground?

At the end of a family party, while she (no joke) BLEACHED my dish drainer and I was settling in to breastfeed my little guy:

"Yeah, why don't you go ahead and give him some of that alcohol breastmilk?"

She's not invited over much anymore. And my dish drainer is always cleaned beforehand now, thank you!

[Busy Bee Suz]

I can't recall any shocking moments...I tend to block those out. I am waiting till one day when I have to have some therapy and it can all come out and I will get my moneys' worth!!!

Your Mom is a GEM. she should have her own show.

[Rachel]

I love how your mom calls your father "Dad". So cute.

I once overheard my MIL whisper: "I can't believe she insists on breastfeeding..." She said it like it was a dirty word. WTF?

[Jennifer H]

I'm sure I sound like I'm 18 on my answering machine. Which makes it harder to explain my 10 and 7 year old kids.

[K]

I think our moms would be best friends.

I just keep getting asked if I'm the nanny. And my mom keeps implying that I'm screwing my child up because I stay home with him (because he will never be socialized if he isn't in "school" - like we never have a playdate or see other people.)

[Joanie]

I feel that I have already traumatized my kids, especially my son when I ran over him when he was 5.

And your parents are hysterical! Now I know where you get your funny bone. Your poor Dad!

I want to hear the message also!

[Rick's Cafe]

So how many different men do you need 'hugs' from on a weekly basis?

Just wondering...:)

[Dana's Brain]

Your Mom is funny. At least you managed a hug out of it.

The worst I've gotten is more of an implied. I was talking to my friend Jen's Mother (her name is Phyllis.) Phyllis used to run a daycare. She was going on and on about how Jen was so dedicated to her job. She didn't have to work, since her husband made so much money - she was just that dedicated. And even though daycare was okay for some kids (ahem - like mine)there was just no way my friend's Mom was going to let her granddaughter go to daycare. It just wasn't right for her granddaughter.

Oh, okay. But it's alright for my poor children.

[Beth]

Once when my youngest son was about 3, he kept thumping his older brother (who was sick) while we were in the grocery store buying chicken soup and gatorade. I told him to leave him alone. He didn't. Again, I told him to leave him alone and if he didn't I would get the wooden spoon out of my purse. He thumped his brother on the head and I popped his hand with the spoon (for all you non-spankers, don't hate - I didn't have to spank often).

A woman walked up to me and loudly announced that all I had done was teach my son to not hit people bigger than him. Personally, I think it is a damn good lesson to learn.

[Beth]

And as for the answering machine, we got rid of ours. I LOVE not being obligated to return calls.

[Dingo]

My mom is still stuck in the days of answering machines and hasn't quite grasped voice mail. I get many messages that start with, "Dingo? Dingo? Pick up if you're there!"

[Ann's Rants]

A fellow actor at a summer stock once told me "Ann, you shit on everything beautiful" and literally left me speechless. Clearly, I could use your book.

I missed your last post. Sounds like a genuine asshole. He must've been over at the Washington Post blog giving Kelcey shit the other day too.

xo

[Keely]

Hm. My son spent his first 5 days of life in the NICU, and because he was hooked up to a bazillion machines I couldn't breastfeed him immediately. So they sent me off to pump the first day, and when I came back with my little dribbles of colostrum in a jar, my MIL said, "Is that IT? You're going to have to do better than that, girl!".

I'm sure it seemed a reasonable thing to say to a post-partum woman who couldn't hold her own baby, at the time.

[Shelli]

My 6yo son has Sensory Processing Disorder, OCD, amd anxiety. His biggest issue is with food. His pre-school teacher informed me that the reason he won't eat what he is given is because I SPOIL him and only give him what he wants. WOW. I assume that means she thinks his doctor and therapist are a couple of dumba$$es too. She went so far as to refuse to let the poor kid have ketsup because the doctor sent a note saying he had an intollerance to tomato based sauces (to get him out of eating spaghetti and chili). I guess she would prefer to watch him starve.